The Cult of the Purple Monkey
by JetNoir
Summary: In this surreal comedy, Neil finds himself drawn into a horrific world, whose twisted destiny is linked to...The Cult of the Purple Monkey.
1. HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

**thecultofthepurplemonkeybyjetnoir**

**HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL **

**PSYCHOLOGICAL REPORT ON: **Neil Fleming

**THE FOLLOWING IS PRIVATE AND IS NOT TO BE USED LIGHTLY **

Neil Fleming is a normal twenty-something man – a soldier – who was convalescing after receiving a horrific injury in the field. Six months after receiving those burns, he appeared to be psychologically sound. It was not to be, however. A fellow soldier had died trying to save Neil and this traumatic event has nearly destroyed his mind. Due to myself leaving this profession in pursuit of other studies, I wish to document an event that Neil is convinced happened. This…hallucination, regarded his mental collapse. Due to his severe state I would strongly recommend that my replacement would pretend to believe Neil, as he becomes extremely agitated – to the point of violence – if the Doctor in question does not. I therefore beg the indulgence of my replacement to humour me, if only for their own protection. Neil was a special-operations agent (I have reason to believe in the Deep Eyes squadron but I could not say with any certainty (due to extreme secrecy)). For the purposes of the future; I am recording the event that Neil believes destroyed his life.

The event, which he calls: The Cult of the Purple Monkey.

**LOGIC, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS WINDOW… **

Hospital was such a dreary place, Neil thought. Getting up to use the bathroom, he passed the usual sights. The rest of the beds in his ward, The groaning of other patients, Multicoloured lights and a purple monkey dancing on the window, The nurses station… Multicoloured lights and a purple monkey dancing on the window? Neil thought curiously. He moved to investigate. The window was open and a strong wind was blowing…no sucking air. It seemed to be a portal _beyond_ the window.

"Wotcha," grinned the purple monkey, "The White Rabbit's on holiday, so I'm stepping in, 'till he gets back." Neil glared at the purple monkey. The purple monkey glared back. They continued like this for some time.

"Well?" said the purple monkey, "It's the dead of night, I've been waiting for ages, and I'm not about to sing a song to the moon." Neil made a reply that sounded like two sparrows gargling.

"I haven't got time for this," sighed the monkey, grabbing Neil's arm and pulled. Neil stayed still.

"Come on," exclaimed the monkey, "I have a busy schedule to keep. You, matey, are holding me back." With a tremendous tug the monkey finally got Neil out the window, onto the sill.

"Now jump!" the monkey ordered.

"WHAT!" yelled Neil, "NO!" Grumbling about his pension, the monkey moved behind Neil and kicked him out the window.

Neil fell…

* * *

**Note:** I make no apologies, I have no regrets, and I don't require psychiatric attention! Nah…just joking. Hope you enjoyed it, next chapter next week, and please review!

**Disclaimer:** Neil is copyright to Square Pictures; and the story (plus other characters) to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!

**JetNoir **


	2. LAST WORMHOLE TO OBSCURITY

**thecultofthepurplemonkeybyjetnoir**

**LAST WORMHOLE TO OBSCURITY…**

The world spun. Neil fell down a rabbit-hole. A multicoloured rainbow of obscurity. It shaked, rattled and rolled. His mind desperately tried to cling on to some form of sanity. His mind was being overloaded. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice told him '_This is all a dream_'. Neil fervently hoped it was true. Suddenly he realised 'This is my life'. And indeed it was. All of his life was flashing before his eyes. It was really boring. 'Is this it?' wondered Neil. 'Am I going to die? And why at the hands of a purple monkey?' he thought with sudden anger. 'Have I not been through enough, already?' Eventually he hit the ground and passed out, never expecting to wake up again.

-

When Neil came too, he heard voices. They seemed to be discussing _him_.

"Well, if he is dead," said one voice in a thin, reedy sort of way, "He's going to get a hell of a shock when he tries to wake up."

Neil once again made a sound like two sparrows gargling.

"Hey sir," said the voice again, "Did you just here two sparrows gargling or did I just imagine it?"

"Its this human," said a voice which Neil recognised as the purple monkey, "He often makes funny noises, seems to be quite a habit of his."

"Well," said the first voice again, "Its kind of rude isn't it, not to thank us for saving his life."

"Well," said the purple monkey, "If he's dead, he's going to have a slight problem thanking us isn't he".

"I thought," mused the first voice, "We had already decided that he wasn't dead."

"Oh," said the purple monkey, "You're right."

Neil looked upwards. He could see two purple monkeys and a man with six heads discussing him. He blinked. He could see one purple monkeys and a man with three heads discussing him. He blinked again. He could still see one purple monkeys and a man with three heads discussing him.

"What is going on?" asked Neil.

"No idea," chuckled the purple monkey, "I'm just here for the pickled onions."

Neil gaped at the purple monkey and keeled over.

-

"I hope this isn't going to become a habit of yours," said a voice that sounded suspiciously like the purple monkey. Neil opened one eye. The purple monkey's face was an inch away from his face. Neil groaned.

"I wish you would stop making rude noises," grumbled an irritated purple monkey, "Its very rude." Neil slowly got to his feet and asked bluntly;

"Who are you, and what am I doing here?" The purple monkey winked at Neil. It was simultaneously cheerful and terrifying. I mean how many purple monkeys wink at you?

"Come with me," the purple monkey grinned, "And I'll show you how far the rabbit hole goes…"

* * *

**Note:** Couple of quotes, mostly from The Matrix! I have no idea how you are going to react, and trust me, it gets much, _much,_ weirder! This started off as a short story which took 7-8 months to complete, and now I'm transplanting it to TSW universe!

**Disclaimer:** Neil is copyright to Square Pictures; and the story (plus other characters) to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!

**JetNoir **


	3. TOYTOWN vs WONDERLAND on speed

**thecultofthepurplemonkeybyjetnoir**

**TOYTOWN vs WONDERLAND (on speed)**

It was hell. That was the only rational explanation for it. Neil was being dragged along by a purple monkey, along streets that curved sideways, so you were walking on a wall, then was offered an apple by something suspiciously looking like a witch.

Neil politely declined. "Good job too," the purple monkey, agreed.

"Why," asked Neil, "was it poisoned?"

"No," replied the purple monkey, "It makes your nose-hair grow ten feet longer." Neil decided not to argue. Next they passed a fire-eater. But he was sticking the burning torches into his _ear_. Neil looked away, sickened. A man caught up with them.

"I need to talk to this guy sir," the man said, "Its very important."

"Later, lackey person," the purple monkey smirked, "later." The man moved away.

"HELLO SIR," screamed a voice, obviously talking to the purple monkey.

"GO AWAY," the monkey replied, and then muttered, "Damn, I've been spotted."

"HOW ARE YOU TODAY SIR?" another thing said.

"YOU'RE FIRED!" retorted the purple monkey. Reaching into a pocket, the monkey pulled out a red banana. Screaming into it he bellowed,

"EMERGENCY, CODE 5150." Neil could hear 'hut-hut-hut' sounds from the crowd. Neil guessed it was a bodyguard team. He was wrong. 10 clowns ran from the ceiling, picked the purple monkey up and ran off into the distance. As they were fading along the horizon, Neil could here the purple monkey screeching like someone had stood on his toe:

"NO, NO! GET THE FLAMING HUMAN!"

Neil was instantly relieved and concerned. The purple monkey had gone, but how was he going to get home?

"Excuse me," he asked a passer buy, "How do I get out of here?"

"Well," said the passer by, "You don't. You're going to have to stay here _forever_." And with a sinister grin on his face, he grabbed Neil and disappeared...

**Note:** I really don't know what to say with this one. Except perhaps, sorry. Next episode coming soon…hopefully.

**Disclaimer:** Neil is copyright to Square Pictures; and the story (plus other characters) to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!

**JetNoir**


	4. AN EMERALD GIRAFFE IN TEXAS

**thecultofthepurplemonkeybyjetnoir**

**AN EMERALD GIRAFFE IN TEXAS**

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE EMERALD GIRAFFE WERE YOU THINKING?" bellowed the purple monkey swearing foully, (To oath in the name of the emerald giraffe is considered the worst language you can use), "CAN'T YOU SEE?" The Clowns obediently but their hands over there eyes. The monkey groaned. "IT'S LIKE THE TEXAS COLD SORE MASSACRE ALL OVER AGAIN!" The monkey gave up. "YOU'RE ALL FIRED!" he concluded. The clowns grinned foolishly. Admittedly all clowns grin foolishly but these actually had a good reason to. The boss was in a good mood. He fired them every other day. The purple monkey turned away disgusted and belched.

-

It might be best if there was a brief history lesson here. The Texas Cold Saw Massacre was the most horrific thing that happened to the purple monkey's world. Everybody got a cold sore from a terrible monster known merely as Auntie.

-

The Purple Monkey had had an idea. It was so fiendishly simple; it was a stroke of genius. His popularity polls had been going up recently to an all time high of 3 percent. It was disgusting. With a bit of fate, this would drop them to around about –50 percent, a much more respectable score. He smiled. It was turning out to be a good day after all.

-

Neil was really beginning to get scared. He was being incarcerated in a gigantic, hollow pickled onion. He was unsure whether the purple monkey's previous quote had anything to do with his gaol but as a roast chicken merrily tap-danced its way across the road/street/whatever the hell these _things _called it. Neil began to sob.

He thrust his head upwards, towards the heavens, raised his arms, and screamed, "WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE?" then more quietly, "Haven't I been through enough?"

The stench of pickle vinegar invaded Neil's nose, and other senses, as he gazed out of the translucent prison of slimy skin. He considered who he was.

-

One of the clowns waddled up to the purple monkey, who was lounging on a throne, a party hat on his head that read: 'I'M IN CHARGE. HA, HA, HA.' The clown shoved a Christmas cracker into his hands. The purple monkey grunted.

"Sir," the clown began, "they're getting out again."

"Yes, number 6," replied the monkey. The clown coughed.

"I am not a number," the clown stated, "my name is Harold." He withdrew. The purple monkey pulled the cracker. The joke read:

'HELP! I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN A CHRISTMAS CRACKER FACTORY."

"Damn," swore the purple monkey, "they're getting out again." A new clown ran up breathless.

"Sir," said the clown, "we've found him."

"You found Neil!" gasped the purple monkey, "Right, activate Plan G."

The purple monkey jumped up and followed the clown out the door.

* * *

**Note:** I really can't add anything, can I?

**Disclaimer:** Neil is copyright to Square Pictures; and the story (plus other characters) to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!

**JetNoir **


	5. SACRIFICE

**thecultofthepurplemonkeybyjetnoir**

**SACRIFICE**

Life in the pickled onion had continued as ever: cold; wet; and slimy. Neil was on the floor, curled in a foetal position, asleep.

A soft squelching noise came from outside. Neil grunted and blearily opened his eyes. 'It was odd, that noise,' he thought, 'almost like someone knocking on a pickled onion.' His head swivelled, and grimaced profusely, when he saw the unwelcome figure of the purple monkey with a clown behind him. The purple monkey had a lighted stick of celery in his hand. The purple monkey sighed and began to recite an ancient magic spelle.

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Most poems rhyme,

But this one doesn't."

The purple monkey threw the celery onto the pickled onion, and both vanished, with a tweeting sound.

"I say sir," bellowed the clown, "that was an awfully good misspelling of spelle you just did." The purple monkey smirked.

"I didn't try my worst," was the enigmatic reply. He turned his attentions to Neil.

"Now boyo, I need your help. First put on these." He held up a pair of purple socks, with emblems of a dancing purple monkey on them. Neil, reverting to his Deep Eyes training (although there wasn't really a chapter in the manual actually on 'how to deal with a Purple Monkey'. Neil was going to rectify that if he ever got back) decided to comply…at least for the time being. The purple monkey grabbed the clown and Neil, and they vanished

-

Neil gazed weakly around at the scene in front of him. A massive pit was in front of him, filled with roaring, hungry flames. He was wearing purple monkey socks, and the real thing was behind him, ready to murder him. Neil thought about this three times. It still made no logical sense, but the terrifying fact remained that the flames in front of him were real. Slowly, Neil began to bleakly realise, that this was it. He was going to die.

It had seemed too surreal a few hours ago, when the purple monkey had explained it to him. He had taken over as ruler, after exiling the white rabbit. His ratings however, were climbing, and that was a bad thing, so he would sacrifice Neil – live on television – to drop his ratings back down. Neil hadn't understood a word of it a while back, but now it was sinking in.

The purple monkey had just finished addressing the crowd, and was about to push Neil into the fiery pit, when the inevitable happened.

The white rabbit appeared.

"Number 6!" roared the purple monkey. A clown waddledran up: "Deal with this traitor!" The clown snarled with fury.

"FOR THE VERY LAST TIME, MY NAME IS HAROLD!" he screamed. Number 6/Harold kicked Neil in the stomach, knocking him backwards, into a pool of water. Before he disappeared into its depths however, the last sight he saw, was Number 6/Harold leaping at the purple monkey, and knocking them both into hell.

"I'LL BE REVENGED ON THE WHOLE PACK OF YOU!" were the last words of the purple monkey.

Neil thrashed around in the murky water, and…

**Note: **Keep reading (pretty please!), 'cos it ain't over 'till the fat monkey sings!

**Disclaimer:** Neil is copyright to Square Pictures; and the story (plus other characters) to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!

**JetNoir**


	6. DENIAL, THY NAME IS MONKEY

**thecultofthepurplemonkeybyjetnoir**

**DENIAL, THY NAME IS MONKEY**

…woke up with a scream.

He was back in the hospital.

It had all been a dream…but had it? Alistair wrenched off the sheets of his bed. His sweat-dripped body screamed as he realised, he was wearing **purple monkey socks™…**

**THE END**

**aFTERWORD**

This document has been a true document of Neil's supposed 'experience'. Strangely enough, the exact same story has been repeated under a lie-detector test, and Neil's psychological state is such that he actually believes his 'experience' to be completely real.

The previous six months have been harrowing for Neil Fleming, and this hallucination has taken its toll. So exerting on his psyche it was, that I fear if something is not soon done then he may have to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act (2045) for further examination.

And so, my last case is unresolved, as I move onto new dreams and experiences, to pursue my dreams as a writer.

Wouldn't it be fascinating if the Purple Monkey's realm _did_ exist however? With the recent discovery of the Phantoms then…perhaps.

Ah, I speculate inappropriately. To my replacement, I leave the following message: have fun with your life – because with the Phantoms as they are, your life expectancy has just gone down a few decades.

It seems however, that my work is done.

Long live the Purple Monkey…

**_THE DOCTOR KNOWN ONLY AS JETNOIR_**

* * *

**

* * *

Note: FINISHED! Blimey, this has been getting weirder and weirder. Hope you enjoyed it, and once again, please review!**

**Disclaimer:** Neil is copyright to Square Pictures; and the story (plus other characters) to me. This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!

**JetNoir**


End file.
